The beauty of photography.

Or not.

Thank you :)

For it is beyond the lust of humans' desires.

Perhaps it is suppose to be a poignant event in one's life celebrated once every year till the end. But unlike the vivacious ones, the used-to-be me, I had long since behave in a volatile manner of which would instantly result to a fluctuation of temper. Let alone a celebration.

Definitely not. I have never been the paragon of virtue (obviously), a perception that some of you embrace with high expectations from my so-called somewhat-grandiose style of upbringing. The ostentatious attitude of mine had back-fired into an ignominious defeat, where my incendiary point of view - always against the norm of both culture and tradition became pristine to this malicious reality of the world. This merciless world which constantly reveals the truth of how naive and sappy I am.

It had, since then, stirred the principles I entrusted myself with and shattered the moral sanctity of mine to distress me as I become vulnerable. Weak and fragile, seemingly I have no exit from this unnecessary childish quagmire. I can eke out no more to alleviate this battle that challenge self-righteousness.

Indeed it is paradoxical that I, a devoted Christian would fall upon the ever-terrorizing devil within. It is a question of faith, and I fail miserably. Yet, is it not ubiquitous? For I, a self-declared warrior had one time after another forsook my pivotal role of being the instrument of God. It was I who gave my word to bravely venture all God's commands as I armor myself with His words in order for Him to use me in the expansion of His kingdom. An obligation to answer His call.

Ephemeral happiness. What a shame of me to mention such feeble beliefs. It is a certainty that I am mentally distorted. For if I am right in mind, I would never have the effrontery to speak aloud of such when in truth I had always extol amongst the disturbed to get by life with a spirit-filled manner. Now it all appear nonchalant as I had allowed myself to sway hopelessly as if recognizing defeat upon me.

I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stunted. And it is high time that I enliven the profound clinical nature of mine once more.





Don't mind me, I am just playing with words along with a packet full of emotions.

Searching.

They turned their backs and left.
















Ironically, I let them.

Goodbye

Brother John James, pilot-to-be :D

'Cause its all about you Jesus (:

I'm gonna trust God on this. Just gonna work my arse off and trust that He will bring me to new heights! My goal this month? To be spirit filled, just like how Ps Caleb described. To be full of God, instead of full of myself.

Mend this hollow feeling that's eating me inside out.

It wasn't until I stuffed in an extra 400 calories

after dinner till it came to my senses that I was experiencing PMS.

I so hardly have PMS that I've long forgotten how it felt like to want to makan so very badly. Oh what an appetite!

And now thanks to that-time-of-month, I'm having this slightly twisted [dash] numb sensation. Trust me when I say I hardly ever feel this way. My time usually comes quick and ends within a short period of time without much hassle of aches. Usually. I guess this is just one of those months.

If you notice, I changed my "about me" column again, just didn't feel right, didn't feel like me and isn't right. The thing is, too often had I felt like I'm missing something, something significant about my life, about me that I can't quite put my finger on. It's that something that seems to be right in front of me, waving frantically at me, but I turn a blind eye and move on, all the time.

Bloody flurry oreo Mc flurry! Sometimes I just want to shake myself and give myself a smack.





















Thank you Nurul for giving me these Hari Raya treats! (: I had it with coffee and it was really really good. I especially like the heart shape cookie, not because of the shape, but the strong flavor of groundnuts in it!

:)

I got this from flickr, as usual xP

To all my juniors out there sitting for PMR, read this! :)

Don't worry, don't be panic-stricken and the most important, don't cheat. Just do what you can and trust God. Whether or not you feel you're ready, you'll still have to sit for the exam. So take my advice, give your best shot this 2 weeks and accept the results later as the effort you put in. I'll pray hard for all of you every single day! (:

Especially Sabby'neh, you're like a sister to me what with the similar surname and part of the Nehs and my Interact junior. All the best and have fun answering!


Love,
the so-called senior,
Yi En :)

I love it when there's someone beside me,

close by me, reassuring me that all is well.




















Somehow daddy is able to do so, to provide me warmth and unfailing love.


Didn't get much sleep last night thanks to *toot* who can't seem to sleep even until 4am and had to wake me up at 2am in the morning by calling. Poor guy. But all the same, I'm happy you thought of me, for I need to talk too. (;


So I missed my morning swim, woke up at 7.30 and it was already a little too late. Guess I'll just have to date the treadmill later, unless mom or dad is willing to drive me over for a dip. See how sad it is to not have a license, to not have car and to have a birth date that's 8 days before SPM.


All these talk about college among the form 5s had got me thinking. What sort of person I want to be one fine day, when exams are no longer a priority, where mistakes are pretty much forbidden and where the pressure of responsibility is going to weigh heavier upon my fragile mentality.

Thank you Shauny (that's what I used to call him, haha) for your advices and suggestions that broaden my mindset of the aspects I'm suppose to focus on when it comes to choosing colleges and courses. Oh and I've been raining you with never-ending questions of the pathways I thought I'd take.

He's been so patient with me, answering my messages. Usually when I thought of a certain entry, I'd sms him first and he'd reply. (: Oh thank you!


Hmm, everyone seem to know what and where life is going to lead them. The road about to be taken set right under their noses, whereas I'm hardly even prepared for SPM! Oh bladie. Bosh with it! I need to discover my strongest talent, the one that can bring me fourth further than all the others. The lifestyle I'll enjoy and the plans God has in store for me.

Sir ShaunSean Patrick once told us to make an appointment with our reflection, the mirror. To identify the mission in life that had been set for us, only waiting to be discovered. And I'm still searching, that person I long to be known of, the kind of respect I long to receive.

However till then, SPM seems to be my priority.






















I like this photo for it's rather plain. Just me, Yi En.
:D

So I cried, big deal!

Oh don't you just love reading?

Indeed I do, which is why I've been reading one novel after another this week. Whether it's an old (I mean really ancient ones given by my cousins who used to read 'em during their teens) storybook with it's cover plastered layers after layers or a new one that beholds a scent of printed papers hardly touched by readers who merely flipped 'em.

Anyway, I'm way off topic. Yes, I did cried. And it's been super duper long since I last took a piece of tissue and dabbed it onto my eyes and sniffed. But oh boy, it was the greatest thing to do, to cry.

I don't like crying, oh I hate it. Even when I do, I usually suck it all in and bit the bottom of my lip till I'm calmed. I especially hate it when I sob in mom's presence or dad's or granddad or grandmom or any of my aunts and uncles. Actually most of my family members, except sis. Ahh well, she's so nosy she knows practically all my welfare. lol

Yea well, I like to look tough. Who doesn't?

Today Pastor Anna was praying for me and His presence was so overwhelming that I cried. Not that kind of soft sniffles, but that kind where fat salty tears blurify (I made up this word xP) one's vision. So yea, I cried.


:')


Okay, enough about that. I apologize, really really sorry, for I've shut myself out from most of you good friends these past few days. Partly 'cause I like it and also partly 'cause the net died again. Streamyx failed. Again. In fact, for the third time this month! Dang it.

I think I overdo it this time. My sarcastic way of communicating that is. Nigel is not replying. Oh gosh. Well, he said, "I'm an idiot" and I replied, "Yes you are!". That wasn't very friendly was it? Oh dear.

Shall stop typing now, lots of videos I want to keep up with since a week of net-less.


BIRTHDAYS.

Ju Yi :)
Deidre :)
Swer Lie :)
Joanne Foong :)




He's still not replying!